clarissaxplainsitall

These last few weeks have been nothing but stress... stress and anxiety.

I'm a highly strung up person (I took a personality test & it said so!) so situations which involve high demands and stress are not ideal for me.

I'm in the last couple of weeks of my undergraduate degree (BA major in Psychology & Education) & wow, all of it comes down to this. If I pass this semester, my enrollment into my Masters in Primary Education degree will be successful, but if not... I don't even want to think about it.

A lot rides on it. Let me give you a back story... I'm re-doing a psychology subject (Personality) because my previous tutor failed me... by 1 mark. Yes, that happened. He stated in my essay that my writing style was not up to par with the university standard or a 3rd year student, and that I should be ashamed of this essay. Needless to say I didn't take that criticism so well. I don't think it should be classified as constructive criticism either. I regret not disputing my mark but I was not in the right frame of mind to confront him anyway. My confidence was shut down and my anxiety grew and grew to the monster it is today.

Words hurt. Failing hurts. Constant nausea and self-doubt sucks. Not knowing what's going to happen sucks. But, I have to find the silver lining in everything otherwise I will be consumed by this stupidity that is my anxiety. I'm on the path of recovery and i'm getting help.

I'm not going to lie, I am terrified for monday; i'm getting the essay back (different essay, same subject just 6 months later) along with feedback to help us for our exam (worth 65%). I had an anxiety attack last night & those suck. I couldn't breathe because of how much I was crying, my chest ached and my eyes stung with tears. My brain telling me I was bound for failure and I have nothing to live for. This is what I face. But, thankfully, I live under the roof of a priesthood holder & my dad gave me a blessing, which helped so much. The calmness after a blessing is amazing others would agree.

Anyways, I have to face my demons and understand that these things cannot be controlled. I can control how much I study and my preparation but I can't control whether the tutor will pass or fail me. I'm hoping for... something. I don't know.

C.